Ok I’m seriously depressed about

IMDb. I have other things going on. An old friend may kill themselves soon, has a gun and is homeless and has been terrorizing me with suicide threats and a suicide letter for weeks now. I’ve contacted her family (not parents) and they offered them a place to stay but then backed down, which triggered the suicide letter. They’re not even trying to help anymore. And I don’t know what to do. And this person is mad at me now because I said that their delusion is actually a delusion they should get help for, and that they should seek medical attention. They said “I’m sorry I ever thought we were friends” and if they kill themselves now because the one person they talked to, me, isn’t a friend anymore in their mind, then that’ll be with me forever. And I do not need that shit in my life. They have no fucking right. They have no fucking right to buy a gun in the first place, no fucking right to terrorize me with this, no right to make me make life and death decisions, without even knowing if I’m making a life decision or a death decision, when I talk to them and their family. And they have no right to ruin the rest of my life by making me responsible (at least indirectly) one way or another for their death, and making me live with that knowledge for the rest of my life. That’s not something I ever needed to fucking live with. That’s a darkness I was never going to have in my life. I was never going to be responsible for another person’s death. Not even by omission or by making a mistake, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, or by not doing or saying the right thing.  They have no fucking right. If they do that, they will bring a darkness into my life that despite everything I’ve been through, I never had. And yes, I also care about their survival for the sake of their survival, not just because I’d feel responsible if they die, I’m not heartless, don’t even go there, imaginary judging people.

So yeah, that’s probably what I’m really depressed about. But right now it’s IMDb, and thinking of all those years spent there, since I was 15 (and now I’m 26), those times when I was there on the Goblet of Fire and Harry Potter boards, or when I was 17/18 and obsessed with the movie The Others and spirituality and had wonderful discussions about spirituality with the people on that board, and of course the LOST board (some of them added me on facebook, don’t remember if I’ve said, and one of them joined Suicideforum for me and replied to one of my threads there, back when I was very different and was complaining about being a 17/18 year old virgin who had never kissed anyone [lol, now I’m 26 and also a virgin who’s never kissed anyone and I don’t see the problem] and that I didn’t have any friends [this is of course an actual problem now, as then] and that I was shunned because of my looks [which I remember now, I wasn’t. People in school at the time tried to befriend me, I just forgot about it after it happened because it didn’t fit my narrative]) annnnd…loll, see what I did there? I got off track and the I put parentheses within the parenthesis and now the flow is completely broken. I changed the internal parentheses to brackets.

Annnd talking every day on the potter boards while waiting for the new Harry Potter movies, the new Star Wars, the new whatever, too many years and too many movies/shows to remember, many obscure ones. So many good times. So many times when movies were turned into experiences by those boards.

I went to the LOST board right now and people were saying goodbye, coming back for one final cameo, LOST season 6 style, members I remember from 9, 8 and 7 years ago, from when I was a teenager, 17, 18, 19. Coming back and saying old jokes, old memes, referencing and recreating threads from 7, 8, 9 years ago I remember sitting up reading and replying to and laughing at. And it’s just so sad. A part of me is being taken away forever. A big part of the last 11 years of my life, defining years , 15-26, IMDb boards were always there, always a part of my life when I didn’t have much in the real world.

imdb

made sure to cut out the disgusting message by owners/admins just above “Lost (2004)” because it’s infuriating and I don’t want it on my blog.

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