And now I’m just sitting up

feeling like I’m back in the coffin again. That heavy depression and feeling of lost…everything that I had while I lived in my awful apartment downtown.

Lost friendships that’ll never come back. I’ll never be part of that community again, and towards The End I wasn’t active enough, I didn’t even join The Baracks. But I’ll never be part of it again, although I have most of the same people in our group on facebook, I’ll never connect to them like I did in 2008-2010 (mostly 2008), even if I try. And now I’ll never properly become part of the (emptied out considerably in the years since the show ended) community on the actual imdb board either because it’s going away forever in a couple of weeks. And I’ll never have IMDb in my life again. And yeah to others it’ll sound crazy to be really depressed about the latter but others aren’t me. I don’t have any friends irl and I never did, not through my teens and not as an adult. The internet was always a big part of my life. IMDb boards were a Constant.

So many lost things. I don’t even believe in an afterlife anymore so I don’t have that comforting feeling that I’ll have it back someday, that connections last forever and things, people and animals and everything else that are important to you are never truly gone. It’s all gone forever. IMDb boards are gone forever when they go down in two weeks, and the communities and those experiences are never coming back. Other things, other people, other experiences, lost forever.

That is not natural to me.

It happens a lot.  I don’t care about many things but the few things that are important to me always get destroyed. It never lasts. It’s all lost forever.

Take it away, Michael


4 thoughts on “And now I’m just sitting up

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