so sick of this

I’m so sick of this shit

I’m sick of being in Bergen, Norway. I’m sick of feeling like Denver was a decade ago. I’m sick of this wasted life I thought I’d escaped from.

I got hope and excitement about Oslo, but also not. feel like giving up and just dying. all this lost time, 7-8 months now, 7-8 months of being dead, of not feeling good. I was going to make breakfast burritos. Travel. Maybe move to Italy. I was going to make fucking breakfast burritos. There was a direct line between the US and Bergen, it was the same life, the same person, continued. Fucking breakfast burritos. I’m not the same person. I’m not the same person at all. There was no Denver. Denver, Boulder, New York, San Francisco, they’re all just painful memories that I don’t want to think about because they’re depressing, really fucking depressing. They weren’t real. They happened 10 years ago, not last year.

Going to New York will just remind me of the previous me who went there last Halloween weekend, and how different he was, how hopeful and excited and alive and in charge of his life he was. I’m calling it right now, New York will be depressing. New York is ruined.

what triggered these depressing thoughts was rewatching an honest trailer for the movie I watched on the plane from Oslo to Newark. the trailer itself was posted on August 18th. I’d been in Denver for 15-16 days, then. Or he had. That other person, the person 10 years younger. I’ll never be that person again.


2 thoughts on “so sick of this

  1. When you can remember a time when you where happy & hopeful, you know you could feel that way again. Find the things that make you feel positive, excited & joyful. Do those things. Go to places like those places. The person you are now is not the same person you were then, but you don’t have to be this person forever either. You can be a happier person, a person with a sense of purpose, a person with joy in your life.

    You may also need to be taking some kind of antidepressant.

    Liked by 1 person

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