Hmm what to write

can’t go too long without writing

I don’t care about capitalization and punctuation anymore, it annoys me but I’m still not changing it

17. mai tomorrow/today, constitution day. I’ll be at my dad’s apartment, babysitting my sister’s dog. awesome dog is awesome

I’ll probably remove this part in a while, but I feel like writing it now: I don’t really remember my “best friend” during Denver anymore, just a really vague memory. I remember the new person (unrecognizable in every way) they became after I left Denver perfectly, though. Not someone I want to remember.
I had a sense the mods were about to ban me and I was probably too high on zoloft to realize they weren’t my friend after everything they’d done and said by that point, so I gave my “friend” my non-skype contact details right before I got banned (ya know, like any online friend, even casual ones, would have done if their skype stopped working. Which was their second explanation and contradicted the first one).
guess what. yup, that’s right. nothing. par for the course for this new person.
What kind of a person would be apparently close friends with someone, talk to them every day about everything that was going on in each other’s lives, stay up all night talking, talk about everything, talk about wanting to meet them irl, and then abruptly cut them out with not even an explanation, and a long time after when they meet in chat at a website first just say “hi” like nothing happened and then avoid, then when confronted (in the wrong way, I was high on zoloft so overly mellow, so I apologized for getting mad. Should never have.)Ā  give a blatant lie as an explanation and only bother to talk to them (rarely and condescendingly, excluding them and ignoring them in favour of everyone else, including their abusers) if they were on the same website, not bothering to get in touch if they weren’t?
They proved there is no such thing as friendship. I could look up our old skype conversations and remember everything. But they weren’t who I thought they were so I’d be remembering a lie.
It’s been a long time, but it still bothers me because of what it represents. What’ll be the point in making friends if shit like this is gonna happen? You can know you have close, true friends and that you’ll be friends for life. They’ll still ghost you the next day and turn into everything you were friends because you weren’t. Nothing’s real in this world. Not worth the effort.

Won’t face the same problem if I just make casual acquaintances who I don’t care about and dont’ have much in common with. That’s the best I can ever do, I guess. That might just make loneliness more intense than isolation, though. Leaning towards isolation, tbh

I can’t figure out the vaccuum cleaner my dad gave me, how to fit the bag in. Embarassed to ask my dad lol

In about two months I’ll get my money, that’s when I’m planning to go to New York, except it’s not looking good, prices have gone up, planes will run out of seats, hotels out of rooms.

I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. I haven’t had to deal with that since 2013, and 2013 is like another life to me. How did I deal with that? what did I do? I had school, and I was in a trance of sorts, sleepwalking through life, just thinking I’d be dead soon, but never dying. and at least in school there were people around, even if I didn’t talk to them much. I liked a few of them, though. then when I left school, I became active on websites and made online friends. this is the first time since I left school that I don’t have friends or people around me other than family. I’m doing a little of what I was doing pre-2014, playing videogames, youtubing, but it’s not the same. something’s missing. I need to get a job, a good job with a nice work environment and ideally coworkers I can befriend and hang out with. But the whole getting a job thing is really difficult to figure out in my situation. First paid job at 25? No education? How will such a job not be absolutely miserable and pointless? And I should join some organization, maybe attend courses. But I dunno. Don’t really feel like making friends or being around people at all tbh. On the other hand, I really feel like making friends and being around people a lot. See my predicament?

the next election is in one year. I don’t know why I care about that because I don’t care about that. that’s how bored I am. I’m so bored I want to vote and have an election.


2 thoughts on “Hmm what to write

  1. It sounds to me like your depression making it hard for you to focus & care about stuff, not just that you’re bored. Humans need company, whether other people or animals. Even though you feel like you can’t trust people, you still need to communicate with other people too. Are there any inexpensive classes you can take, like through an adult education or community center? I’m planning to take a class on 4 consecutive Saturdays, for $ 10 each class. This is mostly to force myself to socialize & try to forge some kind of network of friends close to where I live. Developing & keeping friends takes time, effort & patience though. One of my friends from a few years ago came through for me & helped me when I really needed help. It’s worth it to try to maintain some friendships, even if they don’t all work out as expected.

    There’s nothing wrong with telling your dad you don’t know how to use his vacuum cleaner. You might also be able to find an instruction manual or video online. Try searching on the name of the vacuum.

    I need to get a job too, but I’m having trouble focusing on that when I still don’t feel completely stable here. That’s a bit of a fake excuse though. I need to do a bit of work each day toward that goal or related ones. For instance, I signed up to be a “mystery shopper” which means reviewing stores, restaurants or other businesses in exchange for some small monetary compensation. Another thing I should look into is being a polling place worker for the upcoming election. That would be one long day of fairly easy work for a little over $ 100. It’s not much money, but it would show when I go for a real job interview that I’ve been doing something to try to get paid work.

    Even if you get a low-paying job, it would get you into a routine where you have to get out and interact with other people on a regular basis. It would pay for some of your expenses too, so it will be easier to save for a vacation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello!

      It is making it hard, yes. I’ll start looking at courses, classes etc, but, ya know, trust issues and general discomfort.
      what kind of classes/courses are you taking?
      Glad your friend was there šŸ™‚

      lol the vacuum cleaner, I figured it out

      woah, you can get paid for going to restaurants and reviewing them?!!! sign me up!
      I’ll have to coordinate getting a part time job with NAV (pretty much the government) in order to not lose all of my income, and I might have to wait a while as I was just granted money. Will be looking into it, though. But what I really want to do is run away to Italy or some such place and have a job collecting grapes, olives etc at some italian farm, it appeals to me.

      interacting with other people…I do that all the time in my head. could be good to actually start doing it irl again

      working at the polls sounds good, watch out for election fraud and document it! Feel the Bern! šŸ˜€


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