New York is looking more expensive now, can’t refind the Ramada, probably fully booked already. I won’t be able to book my trip and stay until July, and I intend to travel right away. It’ll all be booked by then, won’t it? Dreading having to sit in the middle seat for an 8+ hour flight.
I loved Central Park so much, I felt a spiritual connection with it. I can’t wait to go back there.
The place has a good, positive, loving, warm and happy energy to it. Like all my problems and all my worries disappeared, weight off my shoulders, any darkness just gone, and I was free and happy.
Maybe the same will happen again. Problem is I leave and then it all returns. I need to move to NYC. Should be easy.
Why couldn’t things just be nice. things were looking up. I was thinking of moving to Italy, where I’d get some nice job in a beautiful environment. Things were going to be difficult going forward, figuring out a plan B regarding what to do with my life, but it wouldn’t be that bad, it was doable. I was so wrong.
It’s all just feels like a big mess going nowhere nice. I’m back to the pointless existence I was escaping from when I went to Denver. and it’ll remain pointless forever, nothing’s happening (unless I “win New York” as I like to vaguely think of it [a term I picked up from paying attention to the New York Primary recently, nothing better to do], hoping for some major eucatastrophe there) and I’m just wasting away inside my head, no purpose, nothing that makes me happy, nothing to do, no friends, no anything. I’d like to die but I’m not even sure what death is like anymore. Maybe I actually DO cease to exist when I die. That’d suck, despite everything, nonexistence doesn’t seem appealing to me. and if there’s an afterlife, it might not be how I think of it. and even if it IS how I think of it, all this depressive energy is bound to send me to some dark, miserable place that matches my mindset. Or I become a ghost. I’m certainly not going to some beautiful, happy, bright place.