What if I win New York?

New York is looking more expensive now, can’t refind the Ramada, probably fully booked already. I won’t be able to book my trip and stay until July, and I intend to travel right away. It’ll all be booked by then, won’t it? Dreading having to sit in the middle seat for an 8+ hour flight.

I loved Central Park so much, I felt a spiritual connection with it. I can’t wait to go back there.

The place has a good, positive, loving, warm and happy energy to it. Like all my problems and all my worries disappeared, weight off my shoulders, any darkness just gone, and I was free and happy.

Maybe the same will happen again. Problem is I leave and then it all returns. I need to move to NYC. Should be easy.

Why couldn’t things just be nice. things were looking up. I was thinking of moving to Italy, where I’d get some nice job in a beautiful environment. Things were going to be difficult going forward, figuring out a plan B regarding what to do with my life, but it wouldn’t be that bad, it was doable. I was so wrong.

It’s all just feels like a big mess going nowhere nice. I’m back to the pointless existence I was escaping from when I went to Denver. and it’ll remain pointless forever, nothing’s happening (unless I “win New York” as I like to vaguely think of it [a term I picked up from paying attention to the New York Primary recently, nothing better to do], hoping for some major eucatastrophe there) and I’m just wasting away inside my head, no purpose, nothing that makes me happy, nothing to do, no friends, no anything. I’d like to die but I’m not even sure what death is like anymore. Maybe I actually DO cease to exist when I die. That’d suck, despite everything, nonexistence doesn’t seem appealing to me. and if there’s an afterlife, it might not be how I think of it. and even if it IS how I think of it, all this depressive energy is bound to send me to some dark, miserable place that matches my mindset. Or I become a ghost. I’m certainly not going to some beautiful, happy, bright place.




2 thoughts on “What if I win New York?

  1. You have at least one other person reading your blog & hoping for you to feel better – me. Remember how I was on SF too & that admin was not supportive toward me either. I wanted to post about wanting to kill myself, but they wouldn’t let me post anything that sounded like “methods”, even when it was just a metaphor.

    Anyway, I couldn’t do it when I had the chance. I stole my roommate’s gun, then something inside me wanted to live, so I couldn’t do it. I ate some food at a grocery store instead, sat in my car, listened to a true story on the radio about a former heroin addict who now helps addicts, drove home, & decided to try to live instead of trying to die. The next month was still horrible at times, but I made it through the worst & now my life looks a little hopeful. I lost all my furniture & the person I thought was my best friend, but I still have my car, my dog, & a chance to put my life back together again.

    What I’m trying to tell you is to hang on & keep looking for help & hope. If it’s hard to kill yourself, that may be because you’re not supposed to do it. There may still be work you need to do in this life & still a chance for your life to get better. It’s never going to be perfect & wonderful, because real life is always imperfect & messy, but it always has some good things in it, despite all the difficulties & hard times.

    I’ve never been to New York except inside the JFK airport. I’ve heard that it can be hot in the summer, but there are always fun things to do, good places to eat, & interesting people. Your love of travel seems like a spark of life in you. Hold onto that & blow it into a greater fire. Maybe you can be a writer, even if it just starts with a blog. Maybe you’ll find something else to inspire you. Just don’t stop looking. – Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you didn’t go through with it and that things are looking up. for you and for your dog. thanks so much for the comments, and for reading my crazydaisy blog. you need to go to NYC sometime, take your dog for a walk in the park, it’s so beautiful there. Wish I had a dog too, jealous šŸ˜€ what kind??????


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