Is anyone there?

Does anyone actually read this blog, other than the 2 people who have commented here? I don’t know how anyone would find it, other than following the link from my instagram or googling some terms I use. But maybe it does show up as suggestions or whatever on wordpress.

Speaking of instagram, people keep unfollowing. One day I have 21 followers, the next 14. If everyone who ever followed me kept following me, I’d have 100 by now. I have over 200 pics and less than 25 followers. that’s weird isn’t it? There are people with less than 80 pics who have over 100 followers.

I’ve had a lot of good days lately, but nighttime can get depressing. 2 days ago I did Stoltzen again. Ice had melted. Was also more exhausting, probably because i went faster with the ice gone, and because I’d also been to the gym that day. It felt good, though. Real good. I like exercising, hiking.

Wish I had people to talk to. But also not because reasons.

It’s been about a month since I got banned from sf now. The second friend I mentioned, who also befriended and complimented and even helped the mods with their site, well, he kept doing that even after they banned me. So I deleted him forever. I don’t need fake friends in my life. Who does? Trust is pretty damn important. If i cant trust someone, I won’t waste my time with them. And since it’s been proven to me since I left Denver that no one can be trusted, then I can’t have people in my life. Which sucks because I need people in my life. How can that be resolved…?

Yeah I’m having a hard time dealing with that and I don’t see how I can move forward with this awareness, how I can live with that fact. How i can live alone and not make friends without being fundementally lonely. Or the alternative: how I can have acquaintances that i don’t trust and who can “fake” being real friends, so I can never believe them.

Doesn’t add up. I’m done with people. I’ve just no interest because I can’t trust them, cant believe them, cant get to know new people because it’s not worth the effort. It’s all fake. I give up.

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