HI!

Ok so there’s a lot to write and I currently don’t have a lot of energy to write so I’ll just make a bulleted list as I find it helps

  • My name is Øyvind
  • I am from Bergen, Norway
  • I find it easier to express myself in English than in Norwegian
  • I have a history of suicide attempts
  • I don’t fit in anywhere
  • I don’t have any real life friends and only very few (max 3, maybe 0) online friends
  • I feel very alone in this world
  • In 2006 I joined a site called suicideforum.com. In late 2013-early 2014 I finally became properly active on the site and made a lot of connections with people, something I’d never been able to do more than once irl.  Most of them went away. Forgot about me. Moved on with their lives. Maybe they got better. Maybe some died.
  • In mid and late 2014, the moderators and admins on the site decided they didn’t like me. They also like to be in power quite a lot and find it enjoyable to “play god”. So they abused me, kept banning me from the chat where I had these friends for things such as talking about Doctor Who and talking about movies I watched. Not only that, but after they banned me from chat, they would always write me these long obnoxious posts where they tried to make me feel like a horrible person for having talked about Doctor Who, or for having said “well, that was uncalled for” to one mod after she entered chat in a powermad mood and banned someone for saying they were sad about something. After I said “well, that was uncalled for” (and that was all I said, I said nothing else at all) they banned me from chat for 2 months (!). All of the staff agreed on the ban. Not just the clearly unstable woman (Freya) who had gone crazy in chat, but all of them stuck up for her, like a mob, and they all (NYJmpMaster, Freya, Butterfly, Acy are the ones who actually had the guts to write to me about it. Petal/Lynn, Shadowlands and several I don’t even remember are the fake people who participated and agreed but didn’t have the decency to admit to it)  agreed I was a horrible person for doing it and wrote me extremely long and bizarre posts calling me “obnoxious” and trying their best to make me feel like a bad person. What a way to treat people on a site called suicideforum. A site that’s supposed to be a support site. What a way to treat depressed, suicidal or mentally ill people under their care.
  • A few days ago I got permanently banned from suicideforum by the resident psychopath NYJmpMaster, because I was talking in chat about emoticons and how I got a lot of the chat emoticons added to the site and added “that was back when the mods were less abusive”. Got another obnoxious private message (PM) that I only got to see because I had checked a setting to email me for every PM.
  • this is why I’m here
  • in August 2015 I made the best decision of my life. I decided I didn’t want to live my life on rails anymore. I decided I wanted to be in control of my life. So I went to Denver, Colorado, USA. Lived there for half a year. Planned to live there for 2 years with studying as an excuse, but the studies proved too hard for me so I had to leave. But…I was alive! It was my place! I loved hiking in Boulder! Such a beautiful place. The Royal Arch Trail, Flagstaff Mountain, the Flatirons… love and miss those places. I was free hiking there in up to 40 degrees celsius on sunny days.
  • When it became clear I wouldn’t be able to stay past Christmas, I decided I might as well use my loan to travel. So I traveled to New York City, San Francisco and Chicago, sightseed, experienced the culture, was in complete control of my life and 100% alive for those 3 trips. I miss that. Now I’m in debt, but it was totally worth it. I want to travel more. I want to always be traveling.
  • While in Denver, I became friends with a few people. Or so I thought, at least. Well, I should clarify, these weren’t people I met in Denver but people I met online (where else) and never met irl.  Also actually met some of them years ago, but we became better friends while I was in Denver, I thought. Anyways, one of these people became quite important to me as we talked every day throughout my stay there and used to stay up all night talking. This was someone I came to trust (rare occurance) and felt I could talk to about anything.
  • When I left the US in late November, one of them, the one I thought was a real friend, straight up “ghosted” me. Cut contact with no warning or explanation. Sometime last month I started going to sf chat because I was depressed and needed someone to talk to and my remaining skype contacts weren’t very active, and this friend was there. Said they’d just been “too busy” (yet they could be on sf). Shortly before I got banned they changed their story to “skype doesn’t work anymore”, which I might have believed if that had been their story all along, and they’d sent me a message letting me know of that, like I would have. Like any friend would have, let alone an apparently close friend. In fact, they didn’t even say it stopped working, they said it just stopped working on their phone. Like they haven’t used their pc since then, like they can’t see my message, couldn’t let me know there, if not on sf, that they’d be on less because of this and maybe arranging to stay in touch elsewhere. So it’s definitely on purpose. On SF, they  ignored, excluded, and condescended. Became best friends with the mods, knowing full well of their abuse, as I had showed them everything they said and did to me, and they’d claimed to be outraged and with me against them. But now they were best friends, constantly complimenting and supporting and thanking them for doing such a great job and calling them by their real names and encouraging them to stay on the site. Even the very worst of them: NYJmpMaster, Freya, Butterfly. So…yeah. they were never my friend, I guess, and I can’t trust them. Getting banned by their new best friends helped me realize this. Who would have thought I was too trusting?
  • Another friend, the one I had a more “jokes only, rarely a serious conversation” friendship with, also complimented them and even helped them with their site. So we’re not friends either.
  • That leaves me with one friend on facebook who I only talk to like once a month tops (only if I contact them first, if I don’t we never speak) and one on skype (we never speak, either).  So I’m pretty much alone against the world now and completely unable to trust people.
  • I’m moving to downtown Bergen on the 1st of March, that will be nice. And it will be good for my mental health. I’m currently living pretty isolated on Sotra and it’s not good for me at all, I’ve considered suicide a lot within the last 2 months. Will likely see if I get better when I move.
  • I’m not sure if Norway is where I want to live. Actually, I’m pretty damn sure Norway isn’t where I want to live. That’s why I tried to live in the US. I have no prospects for making friends here. I don’t know anyone and I’ve no idea how to make friends from scratch. where to meet people. I could use meetup.com if it wasn’t for the fact that meetup Bergen is dead. and I’ve got to make friends with the right people, and the right people don’t exist in Norway. everyone here “goes out”. everyone’s a partyperson, they all go to nightclubs and bars and parties etc and I’ve no interest in that and I don’t want to be friends with people like that, “crazy” people (from my perspective) that I can’t relate to or be comfortable with. so taking an apartment and getting a job here in Norway is probably a huge mistake that will trap me in a miserable existence, yet I’m headed in that direction anyway.
  • I have no friends and no one can be trusted
  • I had a “diary” on Suicideforum. Diaries are threads that no one can reply to. Mine was very long, I wrote down every thought I had there, every thing that happened to me. I got addicted to it. Now it’s all gone. Because of psychopaths whose idea of fun is abusing suicidal, depressed and mentally ill people so they can feel powerful.  So I might as well try to make a blog so I can continue my diary. That’s what this blog is. My diary. My diary was called Memories, originally because I was going to write down fond and not so fond memories I had. Then I started writing down current thoughts and events. Because everything I wrote there would become memories later. And hopefully, if this blog works out, so will everything I write here. If I like the site and enjoy writing here.
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7 thoughts on “HI!

  1. suicideforum sucks! the mods are full of shit…..How can people who aren’t mentally healthy be moderator of a site formed to support people suffering from mental health issues.
    The moderators of such site have to be mentally stable, sadly they aren’t.
    Banning members from site (for lifetime) esp. members who’re suicidal is pushing them to the verge of suicide and clearly atrocious.
    One word for SF and SF mods “Sick”…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I joined this same site about a week ago and have also been having problems with the forum administrator NYJmpMaster. He was rude and negative to me, rather than being supportive, both on my thread and in private messages. Today I found I’d been banned from posting to any threads, with no reason given. The impression I was left with is that this person gets some kind of power-trip from being an admin on this board. He does not seem the least bit interested in helping people who feel distressed and potentially suicidal. I just did a Google search on his username and found several complaints about him. It’s unfortunate, but people who want to run support groups and forums are not always the most qualified people to do so. Some, such as this guy, may even be dangerous to the mental health of mentally distressed, emotionally vulnerable people.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! thanks for posting here. NYJ certainly was an awful choice to pass down ownership of the site to. The only people who might have been worse would have been Butterfly or Freya, though I’m not sure which of those 3 is the most abusive. You’re right in that they’re dangerous. I want to warn people of the site so they don’t fall into the abuse trap. Maybe create another site with a chat and everything where people won’t be abused. We’ll see if I can afford to do that once I get my economy in order next month. But thanks for telling me your story, I’d love to hear more details. These stories should get out there.
      I relate to everything you said about NYJmpMaster. He does think of himself as God.

      I remember seeing your username around a few days before my ban but I don’t remember talking to you. But nice to meet you 🙂

      wait, actually I’m not sure I saw you around if you joined a week ago. Must have been thinking of a similar username

      Like

      1. It may have been me, but it doesn’t really matter.

        Maybe you can find a better online support group and help support it, rather than starting a new one? I expect there are many problematic ones out there, but it generally easier to support a movement that’s already been going for awhile than it is to start from scratch.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There really aren’t a whole lot of sites out there. There’s recoveryourlife, but it’s a self harm support site and I don’t self harm. also the chat is really stressful to me lol
        I’d want to create the site but I wouldn’t want to run it alone, too much responsibility. I do think there needs to be some sort of “sanctuary” type site for the victims of SF mods, as well as for people to go to instead of SF to avoid exposed to that kinda nasty stuff. I’m considering getting a site for those reasons, but I might just not…and just stick to blogging and instagramming.
        I did join a site called Psych central, it had a lot of weird and shady ads on it and things they wanted you to try out that you had to pay for. Had to make 5 posts to be allowed into the chat and once I had 5 posts chat wasn’t recognizing my username anyway. SO yeah, there aren’t a lot of options. Sorry for writing you a novel lol. I write too much

        Like

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